Friday, April 16, 2010

You Know It's Almost Summer...(A Post That Is Really Just A Glorified List)

You Know It's Almost Summer (At the HC) When...

1. SmartBoxes spontaneously appear from an unknown and most likely sinister origin

The really creepy part is when more appear at random intervals, my current theory is that they breed during the night. (Just be glad I don't feel like putting in the effort to make a picture of two boxes humping)

2. No one can be bothered to give a shit anymore, right when it is most important that you do.

Papers, finals, and for our senior friends, that which is so dreaded most dare not give it name...

THESIS! (DUNDUNDUN! dramatic lightning bolt!)

(on an unrelated note, I may have just wet my pants)

Anyway, now is crunch time, with tests and due dates and finals and (sound of brain escaping via the left nostril)

Brain: Screw this! If I have to memorize one more sonnet I am going to choke myself with my stem! No more Stats formulas, no more dead British people who wrote novels about how indoor plumbing killed humanity's innocence. I AM DONE. Meet me at the beach, bring sunscreen.

3. Teacher Evaluations!

Forget Christmas, Teacher Eval time not only means the year is at an end, it also means reaming professors who continually stumble into class fifteen minutes late, look at the students in surprise coated in a haze of caffeine and proceed to spend thirty minutes playing with the projector and talking about how this class interrupted a sweet nap they were having, followed by a test on material that was supposed to be covered three weeks from now. Oh now is the time for glorious revenge!! To be fair, I haven't had any professors like that this semester. They've all been wonderful and full of knowledge and awkward innuendos, but I have had professors exactly like the one I described and Teacher Evals, aside from marking semester's end, ensure that Doctor Space Cadet PhD gets what's coming to them.

4. People begin to disappear.

Is it a curse? A plague? The fact that some students just freak the fuck out and bolt? (probably that one). Yes, when sweet summertime is so close, when you've nearly reached the end of a tunnel made of education and despair, that is when some people just give up and vanish like some kind of evil voodoo gypsy. Do they drop out? Head to Tijuana, or an insane asylum? Or, like two kids I knew freshman year, attempt to drive away to a commune in Minnesota, never to return, but only make it as far as Jacksonville before coming back.

5. You start hoarding cardboard boxes like it's the Apocalypse and afterwards, cardboard boxes will be the only form of currency

It happens slowly at first, you realize soon it will be time to move out, and anything not going into the depths of the procreating SmartBoxes will need to be boxed up so it can all fit in your car without you playing Life-Size Tetris: Frustration Edition. So you see some boxes outside the Publix and snag them. But you need more boxes, bigger ones. You're scoping out electronic stores, barging into Starbucks and demanding the box their espresso machine came in. You can't stop, you're following around hobos, trading your x-box for a real box, trying desperately to find one that your ancient, oddly shaped television you inherited from your Aunt Myrtle will fit into. And before you know it, summer is a week away and you've got more boxes than crap to put into the boxes.

Why no, I don't have a problem, why do you ask?

There you have it, the top five signs that summer is a'commin' at the HC. I go sleep now and tomorrow we run the Disney gauntlet again! Once more into the breach! We few, we happy few, we band of brothers! And let any man who stands beside me in this fight be called my brother!! (Note to self, ease up on the Shakespeare)

"In the land of the boxless, the man with half a box is king...but still can't actually use his half a box for anything practical" -Me, five seconds ago


  1. You should host a video campus tour. very not-frightening-at-all take on college life.

  2. i don't follow. but that really has more to do with my mental state (exhausted beyond all reason) rather than your comment being unclear. I will read it again tomorrow and it will make sense :D


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