Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Super Post of Infinite Wonder and Desire (And Slight Exaggeration)

Hello people of earth and aliens with wifi, it is a humid and disgusting Wednesday afternoon in the sunny land of God's Waiting Room! Why am I so irritatingly chipper? Because it's almost summer time, you damn fool! Summer means no more contemplating the meaning of Tragic Modernism, no figuring out how to pronounce Chai-Squared Test, let alone learning how to do it! It means reading books (gasp) for pleasure, working at a museum for no pay (yeah) and most importantly: THE SUMMER MOVIE SEASON. And all I have to do is get through finals >.< and also cram my entire collegiate life into a vehicle so small that I doubt there will be room for me once I've loaded everything up:

Though I suppose I could just use the remote control and steer it home that way...

Until that glorious day arrives when we all flee from campus like rats from a sinking ship, I shall continue to slave away at the forge of academia (patent pending) pausing only to write these (or get hammered...on life...yes, life and kittens and not booze). Er...let's get back on topic.

This isn't wasn't made by me, but God if it isn't the most wonderful eyesore I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of cringing at!

Today (and also yesterday) I want (and wanted) to talk about varies species of the movie-watcher. Why? Well why do I need reason to do anything I do? If I bothered to think of reasons for doing things I probably wouldn't have chased that squirrel up into a tree the other day and given myself a possible concussion. (Head Trauma! The fun never ends!). Anyway, theatergoers fall into various specific types, because the world isn't fun unless you can categorize everyone:

The Serious Watcher aka "I'm in my movie bubble, fuck off": You're watching a movie, I get it. Now is not the time to discuss Middle East foreign policy, but dude, when we're at a movie and I go "AWESOME!" as Sean Connery blowtorches people in space and you shush me...well you're just sucking the fun out of everything. And it's ok to blink occasionally, there will not be a test on the movie later, I promise.

The Overtly-Intensely Enthusiastic Watcher aka "I have never seen a movie/the outside world before in my life": >.< oh sweet jesus who let you out of your box? This person is characterized by finding jokes not just funny but OHMIGOD I NEVER HEARD SOMETHING SO HIGHLARIOUS IN MY LYFE!! ZOMG HE SAID POO AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW AWESOME I FOUND IT. One of my friends is like this, except instead of the insanely loud laughing type, she's the "the characters on screen are in danger and only me yelling frantically at the screen can save them!!" type. We went to see Ponyo when it came out and there's this bit where Ponyo, this mermaid/fish creature, is trying to outswim these boats and not die when suddenly-

"Swim, Ponyo, swim!! PONYO SWIM FASTER YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!" (Frantic arm waving)

And this is a 21 year old college student (Dear Ashley: Please don't kill me...oh wait, you're in South Korea, you can't. Nyah nyah!)

The What-Did-I-Miss? aka "WAHT": "I went and peed, what just happened?" "I had a phone call, what just happened?" "I looked away from the screen for five seconds and missed the joke, what just happened?" "I am too stupid to follow the plot, what just happened?" You know what happened? A movie happened! Maybe if you were watching or not as dumb as rock you'd notice! How about you just sit outside the theater since you keep leaving anyway and I will just recite the movie to you when I'm done. Sound good? "What? I missed what you were saying," (seething hatred goes here)

The Spokesman aka "Everyone was thinkin it, I'm just sayin it": Something happens, the audience all feels a certain way about it, but only one special individual can sum it everyone. Usually these are more funny than annoying, depending on the movie. When I saw the third Pirates movie and Will gets stabbed, we could all hear a guy crying out "FINALLY!" or when I saw Avatar and it was the part where our intrepid Marine hero first learns about the ponytail linking...thing and uses it on some dino-bird creature. We all thought it, but only guy yelled it: "Ponytail rape!" Indeed.

The Screamer aka "I HEARD A LOUD NOISE I AM GOING TO DIE!!!": One of my friends from high school was a movie screamer. And not just horror movies either, any movie ever that goes quiet and follows with any noise louder than the squeak of a tiny rodent makes her shriek and jump a foot in the air. This includes The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yup. The best one though was when she saw The Grudge and screamed her lungs out at a completely random non-horror moment. There was complete silence after her scream, after which she timidly said "sorry!" the whole theater laughed.

What Have You Been Smoking aka "No really, what's wrong with you?": this category is for the movie watchers who are on an experimental drug that makes them act like the opposite of normal people. Like for instance, my brother and I saw awhile back, I think it might have been Hellboy 2 but I don't recall. Anyway, the movie opened with this blue fire and this big black guy down near the front stated very matter-of-factly: "That BLUE." Nothing else, no context, just the fact that the fire was indeed blue. We kept laughing about it all through the movie and I feel like we could have left right after hearing that and still feel like we got our money's worth.

The Talker aka "Hey, a movie! Wanna hear my life story?": "Dude, this movie's awesome! Isn't that Halle Berry? Halle Berry is so freaking hot. I'm hot! I mean it's warm in here, isn't it? Dude, she went into the room with the killer, what the hell? It's hot as hell in here. Remember when she was in that movie with the hacker who was Wolverine, and John Travolta was in it with this funny mustache? And he was all 'I'm John Travolta look at my silly mustache!' Man, that movie sucked. This movie sucks, is she gonna get topless? GET TOPLESS HALLE BERRY! ...I want pizza! Do you want pizza? If I go get pizza will you tell me what I miss? Do you think Halle Berry will take her top off while I'm getting pizza? Dude, she's taking her top off right no-AAAARRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHHRHRHAGAGAFHDGHASJFL(sounds of strangulation)

And that is all (for this post). As promised, in about five seconds I'm going to pull open a new post and get started on...HIGHLANDER DOUBLE WHAMMY. OVERUSE OF ALL-CAPS IS TOTALLY COOL NOWADAYS! You read those enormous letters right! Not one, but two unbelievably shitty Highlander movies graced with the presence of our one only paycheck monger, Sean Connery. See ya in a few!

"I remember, especially like when I was in high school, going to see like Dawn of the Dead and it was like mayhem in the theater and you could barely even watch the movie. It was so fun" -Rob Zombie


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