Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sugary Cynic Talks About Summer Movies She Is Excited For Because She Can

Hooray for highly specific post titles! Hooray for accidentally writing "tities" instead of "titles" and giggling because it looked like "titties" and then fixing it so no one would be the wiser! (wait a minute...dammit).

Tomorrow is the Day of Silence on campus, if you don't know what Day of Silence is, it's a day when you keep your irritating trap shut as a way of representing the silenced voices of victims of bullying and harassment within the LGBT community, and outside of it too I suppose. If you want legitimate information and not sugar-fueled suppositions, go here . So yeah, if you don't me in the strange and frightening world beyond the internet, let me tell you that I love to talk. I will talk your ear off if you let me, and then continue to talk whilst I sew it back on to your head. Yep. I have never participated in Day of Silence before because of this. Instead I usually tape a sign to my back that says "I support the Day of Silence but can't keep my mouth shut" which lead to many many dirty jokes. But this year Javi's doing it to and he's possibly even more of a chatterbox than me, so now it's a COMPETITION. More importantly, it's a competition that I can feel kinda good about because at least I'm doing it for a purpose, you know? What? I'm still an asshole? ...Yeah, I know.

So,as you may have guessed from the incredibly specific title, I am going to talk about the movies I am anticipating the most this summer, simply because I can rather than for any actual reason. Whee. So, I managed to whittle down the multitude of blockbuster insanity and stuff I am mildly interested in into ten movies (which is pretty convenient), that I WILL see come hell or unemployment. And they are as follows, in order of how intensely bad I want to see them:

1. OHMYGAWD SCOTT PILGRIM



I've been reading the graphic novels forever, watching the news on this movie like there would be a test on it, awaiting the trailer like a snake-bite victim awaits the anti-venom, and now all I have to do is wait just a bit longer til August 13th when AWESOMENESS WILL OCCUR WITH MAXIMUM FORCE. Early reviews have been positive and the tone looks pitch-perfect, the cast looks like walking talking versions of their comic counterparts it's just...Michael Cera. He's just so NOT Scott Pilgrim. At all. So either he will mumble and awkward hiss way through the role of the hyper-enthusiastic Scott, or he will surprise me and I will hate him less for helping kill the Arrested Development movie.

2. Iron Man 2



HELL YEAH! Although, to be fair, RDJ could do a movie that's just him chasing a kitten and I'd go see it...actually, that doesn't sound too bad. The cast is solid and I love the chemistry between him and Gwyneth Paltrow. Also Mickey Rourke with energy whips. That too. My only iffyness comes from the fact that it seems like the whole movie's given to you in the trailer, I hope they're holding back some surprises. Also they pulled a Dark Knight actor-switcheroo, except instead of the largely pointless Rachel Dawes it's Rhodey, who is awesome. I really liked Terrence Howard in the role so Don Cheadle best be steppin up and whatnot.

3. The Last Airbender



Aggh. I'm super torn on this one. I loved the show while it was on. It was entertaining, original and complex. It was great because it could go from ridiculous and silly to "shit just got real" seamlessly and nothing ever felt forced. There's so much wrong with this movie, the white kids playing asian or inuit characters, the indian kid playing a character who may have been supposedly chinese but not indian. The fact that this Aang doesn't look or sound right, that M. Night decided to change name pronunciations to make them sound "more asian" (hypocrisy!), and so much else. But then again...They're tossing fire and water around! And crushing ships! And Appa the flying bison is in it! Flying people! Yeah, I will probably be disappointed, but I know I can't not see it.

4. Kick-Ass



Ok, it comes out in two days, so it's not really a summer movie per se, but I feel like it's fair to say that it's kicking off the summer movie season, especially since Clash of the Titans tanked. I never read the comics but I'm still really psyched for it, especially since people have been saying Nicholas Cage has returned, however briefly, to not being an embarrassing ass-hat. The cast looks great and every new red band trailer gets funnier and funnier. Some people have a problem with the swearing little Hit Girl but I personally crack up when she tells her dad she wants dolls for her birthday and says "I'm just fuckin' with ya, Dad" and he looks so relieved. Definitely can't wait!

5. Prince of Persia



Speaking of white people playing roles intended for other races...English accents make it ok, right? This one does look like a ton of fun though. Just straight up silliness and action. The effects also look neat, I like how they made the "travel backwards through time" bit look. Also it has Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina in it, and they are generally awesome. And also Jake Gyllenhaal is hot. So there.

6. Inception



What the crap was that? I have no idea and apparently no one else does either. Even star Leonardo Dicaprio admits that he's still not exactly sure what the hell he starred in. But let's face it, with Christopher behind the wheel of a cast consisting of Dicaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine and Ken Watanabe, even it's a miss it should be an entertaining one. And at the very least I'll get some Leo-in-a-bathtub action (I am a shallow human being).

7. The Sorcerer's Apprentice



What was that I said before about Nicholas Cage not being an embarrassment? Well, that was even quicker than I thought it would be. I'm kind of torn on this one too, though not nearly in the same intense way as Last Airbender. On one hand, Nicholas Cage looks like a crack-head hobo, it has that nasally kid who I can't decide if he's endearing or annoying, and it's a modern gritty thing based off the original Sorcerer's Apprentice cartoon with Mickey and The Sentient Brooms of Doom. Also it just looks fucking silly...But that dragon thingy and the metal bird look awesome! And Alfred Molina is in it with fire fingers! And that asian dude was a butterfly or something! And Nicholas Cage is a crack-head hobo (I mark that as both a pro and con). It looks like harmless fun and I'll probably see it, I blame the Depeche Mode song they use in the trailer, it's just so cool!

8. The A-Team



....Bradley Cooper...Oh! Erhm, sorry. I was, uh, distracted. Anyway, this movie, as well as the next two fall under the category of Brother Time. They fit the criteria of my brother's perfect movie: explosions, manliness, more explosions, no plot, general ridiculosity and also explosions, those too. And I will go see these movies with him and we will make snarky comments and bond and watch things blow up. It's kind of our thing. So yeah, I know virtually nothing about the A-team TV show except I remember watching an episode where Mr. T was afraid to get on a plane so they drugged him and put him on the plane. Yeah. So no real expectations, things will go boom, Bradley Cooper will take his shirt off and I will go home happy.

9. The Losers



The next Brother movie is The Losers, with Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who I really like, and Chris Evans, who I really like to stare at. Oh shut up, it's not like the guys aren't totally checking out Zoe Saldana anyway. Once again, I haven't read the comic this is based off of (it's on my list) but this looks like a good time at the movies, more explosions, silly dialogue, some pretty sweet looking action. Over all it looks cool and seems worth the watch.

10. The Expendables



I already talked about this one in my "extravaganza" post: It will either be an exercise in awesome or geriatric hip snapping. I mean, it's pretty much the manliest thing one can watch without literally staring at a pair of balls for two hours but I am apprehensive that will be less "holy shit that was so cool!" and more "oh sweet Jesus, you can get wrinkles THERE?!" Only time will tell for sure.

And that's it. The end. I got stuff to do. Seriously, go away, before I get the shotgun.

"I'm married! We didn't date, I broke bread with her," -Overheard in the Starbucks on the FAU Boca campus

Now go away.

6 comments:

  1. ahhh i am excited for these movies as well!

    well....except for one...

    nick cage...::shudders::

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  2. I dunno, I get a kick out of watching Cage trainwreck himself. The Wicker Man gets funnier every time I watch it, "NOT THE BEES!!"

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  3. I agree with you, mostly...the Airbender thing is messed up, though. First, that spectacular/shitty Cameron movie stole it's name, then Shymamalanaognmh waltzes in and bastardizes sacred parts of my childhood.

    Inception! Scott Pilgrim! Kick-Ass! My trifecta of fangirl hysteria!

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  4. Simon: Yeah they fucked it up something awful, but I have to go see it, if only to bask in the sheer terribleness, like with Eragon! (fond memories)

    Unwashed: I try. And I make no apologies for my sheer lack of taste in various areas of cinema :D

    ReplyDelete
  5. We seem to have a similar lack of taste! Embrace your tastelessness.

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