Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My French Professor Stabbed Me With A Lightsaber, And Other Semester's End Thoughts

And I don't even find it weird. That's Honors College conditioning for ya. Three years ago if you had told me I'd be not only witnessing but participating in outdoor pillow fights, lightsaber duels, lobby dance parties, talent show improv, spontaneous dress-up and other random acts of nerd, I would have looked at you like you had some kind of horrifying facial growth

You know, like this one!

But now I'm a junior and usually the one who gets the weird looks. But more to the point, like the point of the lightsaber that my French professor stabbed me with. My friend Amanda, who is gradumacating, happens to be the proud owner of one of those really fancy-ass lightsabers that are all shiny and sound-effecty and as this was our last day of official class, she brought it in to show our professor, who is nearly as delightful dorky as her students. She started waving it around and got all excited, and then timidly asked:

"Can I stab you with this?"

And before I could say "Let the hate flow through you" I was facing the business end of a lighstaber.

But it's ok, because then we had cake and she made everyone necklaces that double as blunt weapons (why yes, she is the coolest professor in all the land). Then I dozed my way through my last Stats class, which I have given up putting any more mental effort into. I'm basically going to walk into the final and hope that all those times balancing the textbook on my head made me learn Stats through osmosis. After that, Shakespeare did not happen, because there wasn't a point in having our last class because we finished reading The Tempest and just have papers to work on. However, Rachel, a girl so wondrously demented I forget she's a freshman, went through Tempest and replaced every big, free-standing "O" with "vagina" because "O" pretty much means "vagina" to begin with. Here are the ones I remember:

"Vagina, 'tis monstrous! Monstrous!"

"Vagina, touch me not!"

And the crowd favorite:

"Vagina, forgive me my sins!!"

Oh(Vagina) but I am classy.

Even though there was no class, I still went to see the professor in his office for help with the final paper. We chatted and he talked about how I've gone from weenie freshman to fairly competent junior and I got a weird intellectual version of the "you're becoming a flowering young woman" speech...which was awkward, yet complimentary to my brain cells and word-spewing skills.


Just try and look at that without going "awww!" did you? Stop lying!

The school did this thing they do during finals called "pet-a-pup" where they bring in these therapy dogs (because they've been trained to deal with the horrors of many, many, many grasping hands) and let us pet the crap out of them as a way of dealing with finals stress. It was lovely, there was a surprisingly large bichon frise named Sunny, a fluffy...thing named Krissy who looked more like a tiny throw rug than a dog, and a HUGE boxer named Katy that was convinced she was a lap dog.

"Oh sweet merciful heavens! Run you fools, it's love from above!!"

Good times.

AND THEN, I had my last British novel class, where we pretended to accomplish things and continued to accidentally say "Tess killed the peasants" as opposed to "Tess killed the pheasants" the difference being a gentle farm girl mercifully ending the suffering of a bunch of game pheasants some hunters shot but didn't kill, rather than a gentle farm girl not so mercifully ending the lives of random peasants. Literature humor. Indeed.

AND FINALLY, it was time for Night Breakfast! Which is like breakfast...but at NIGHT! (gasp! *sounds of ladies-in-waiting fainting*). They had a band playing and also covered the tables in paper and left out crayons so I doodled all over them and then there was a raffle but I won nothing :( but there was this brilliant moment when the next item up for grabs was a Glee CD >.< oy. I was all like "lame" but then Providence sought for things to be otherwise and the raffle winner of it was Drunk Lenny, who stumbled up confusedly to take the CD, resulting in the penultimate moment of wonderful as a horde of Glee fans got to watch the collegiate, male equivalent of Courtney Love wander off with the CD. Delightful.

And now here I am, blogging the end of my semester away, suffering through papers and dreaming of summer, which unfortunately means dreaming of it being so damn hot that ice cream melts while still in the freezer. Wheee.

Now is the time of sleeping so tomorrow shall be the time of papering. Expect posts filled with desperation, anger and possibly even some more last minute theater. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Vagina brave new world, that has such people in it!" (ok, it doesn't work for all of them). Night!

Our Housing Director, a very bitter man: "I'm only going to read each ticket once and go 1, 2, 3 because I have reached the age where every minute I wait is another minute closer to my death"


  1. That made me laugh out loud, but I will not type as much because I hate IM speak. Good luck with finals and whatnot.

  2. thanks :D your non-abbreviated laughter is appreciated


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