Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Put The Mac Daddy in "Macbeth"

Except not really, cuz that would be a bit weird. As you may have guessed we have moved on from Othello into the land of Macbeth, which is one of my favorite Shakespeare plays ever, tied with Midsummer Night's Dream perhaps. Why do I like Macbeth? Why for superficial and ridiculous reasons, of course! It has all the elements I enjoy in a story: action, sword fights, betrayal, murder, bat-shit crazy people, witches, ghosts, and c-sections! (if you didn't get that last joke, go read Macbeth, you uncultured dipstick). It's just a fun play, and by fun I mean full of murder and pathos!

Anyway, part of the reason Macbeth is such a good time is Lady Macbeth, the power behind the man, the lady-balls behind the wishy-washy usurper. Also she's as insane as a shit-house rat to use the technical term. When some witches tell Mac that he will become king of Scotland and awesomeness is bound to follow he considers murdering the current king Duncan to speed up the process but tosses the idea because deep down he's a pretty ok guy. Lady Macbeth is not ok with this. Periodically during the play she must egg her husband on to ensure he murders the necessary people and she gets her pretty queen crown. Of course this backfires slightly when Macbeth becomes a murderous psychopath and she goes mad with guilt but until that point she is the character with the largest metaphorical balls in the whole play, except for maybe Macduff with his whole "ripped untimely from his mother's womb thing" and just being named Macduff (seriously, go read the damn play and then you'll get these jokes). A fun game to play with all of Lady Macbeth's dialogue towards her husband is to add ", bitch" to the end of every sentence. It works SO WELL:

(Macbeth has mixed feelings over murdering Duncan)
Lady Macbeth: Was the hope drunk
Wherein you dress'd yourself, bitch?


Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem, bitch?


When you durst do it, then you were a man, bitch!


I have given suck, and know
How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me:
I would, while it was smiling in my face,
Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums,
And dash'd the brains out, had I so sworn as you
Have done to this, you little puss.

Macbeth: O.O were you always this wantonly homicidal and I just haven't noticed?

Yeah, she's a fun one. There's less homosexual subtext, especially when compared to Othello. I suppose Macbeth and Banquo are pretty chummy but then Macbeth horribly murders him so take from that what you will. Also, unlike the striking good looks of young Laurence Fishbourne (or blackface Anthony Hopkins, if that's what you're into) there are no attractive Macbeths in the film versions.

Unless you have a thing for Toshiro Mifune...which is a little weird if you do...just sayin. (also yes, this is a Japanese Macbeth set in Feudal Japan. It's called Throne of Blood, go watch it, it's THE COOLEST)

Lastly, there's this webcomic that cracks me the hell up called Happle Tea. Having nothing to do with its name, the comics follow the myth and folklore related adventures of Li'l K, his legal guardian Bigfoot, and occasionally some homicidal owls. It's incredibly funny, and I bring it up for this wonderful comic that shows hos Macbeth SHOULD HAVE treated the witch's prophecy:

(click for better readability)

Anyway, today was kind of a day for surreal moments in education. First, in French, halfway through and for no real reason, our professor switched the discussion from indirect object pronouns to undershirt cleavage bunching, her justification was that it was ok since the only boy in the class was absent. Also I learned how to say "I am deeply uncomfortable" in french. Je suis profondément inconfortable.

Then in Shakespeare, we came across the line the Porter says concerning excessive lechery: "It provokes the desire but takes away the performance" which lead Doug to comment on the fact that this quote was on an awkward anti-drinking poster in the lobby of one of the dorm buildings:

It's in REALLY tiny print on the bottom. But frankly I am too distracted by the flaccid vodka bottle to pay much attention

This poster perplexed the hell out of my professor who said, "Of course, this is a big problem on campus, lack of erections!"

Because there are few things in life more interesting (scarring) than when your sixty-something year old professor makes a boner joke (and he makes them rather often, but you never do get used to it). Why is whenever I bring up Shakespeare in inevitably leads to dick jokes? From the first post, this one and last week's Othello post, I apparently am incapable of talking about Shakespeare without mentioning penis.

Sugary Cynicism: Making Your Mind Forever Associate The Bard With Man-Parts Since Early February

Somehow I don't think this one would do well on a t-shirt...perhaps a mug ;D

One last moment of surreal teacher-related wtf. I was on my way to my late night class when I thought I saw my professor on the way. It looked JUST LIKE her, except her hair was platinum blonde. For a brief moment I wondered if she'd died her hair when the women got closer and I could tell, despite a still-creepy resemblance that it wasn't my professor...Also this woman was holding a paper cut-out mask of that monster from Where The Wild Things Are.

...Yeah, I got nothin

So that was a day in the generally strange world of me. Join me tomorrow for, if the trend continues, people who look like my professors in full Wild Things costume, and various classes getting interrupted by naked orgies. Sounds fun.

"How now, my lord, why do you keep alone,
Of sorriest fancies your companions making,
Using those thoughts which should indeed have died
With them they think on? Things without all remedy
Should be without regard: what's done, is done...bitch" -Lady Macbeth


  1. I'm more into Romeo & Juliet. Not because of the romance, which I find completely fucking boring (Romeo's a daft little pussy, Juliet's the pants of the family, I get it), but because Mercutio fucking rocks.

    Followed by Hamlet, because Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are kind of awesome (in their own play).

    Teachers are weird.

  2. The posters on campus actually said it in much larger text. I wanted to steal one and put it on my door.

  3. Simon: rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead is one of my favorite movies, easily.

    Brenda: I couldn't find a picture of the one in the lobby, so that one had to do, at least it HAD the quote


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