Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Highlander Double Feature: (Sort of)

And I'm back! Again. If that makes no sense and you are just joining us (us being me, the dragon plushie and the ghost of the student who died here years ago after eating mac and cheese that had been in the fridge since two semesters ago), then go read the post below this one. Because I said so, that's why. Don't you backsass me, you little punk! That is it! Go straight to your room and think about what you did! ...Oh God, I've become my mother.


Anyway, today, to make up for there not being a Sean Connery movie last Sunday, as well as my generally spastic posting, tonight is magical double feature full of...magic. And decapitations and also kilts. If that's not the recipe for a good time, well then I don't know what is. In case you didn't read the title post, the one before this one or are just stupid, I will be taking you on a magical journey through the only Highlander to have that which is Connery, Highlander's 1 and 2 (yes they made more than that, I know, it's sick).

So, let's get this crazy train rolling!

"Oh man, this sword feels SO GOOD!"

So the story begins with Connery doing the opening voice-over about Highlanders,that they're immortal except unless you cut their heads off, for whatever reason and also that THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. Why can there be only one? Who knows, who cares? Sean Connery's talking! So the movie goes back and forth between 1985 New York and vague 16th century Scotland, showing us the story of Connor Macleod, played by Christopher Lambert, who will always be Raiden to me.

Dude, why are you bothering with the sword, just use your God of Lightning powers! (Or, alternatively, your terrifyingly huge forehead)

Anyway, the whole dealie begins when we see our hero behead a dude with a sword after a boxing match in New York. Just cuz. I mean, we eventually learn that all these Immortals dudes are apparently under some kind of obligation to attempt to behead the crap out of each other whenever they meet because THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE and also they get power when they do it, which leads to creepy pseudo-orgasm scenes where they undergo this power surge called a "quickening." Whatever you say, movie, I don't judge. So yeah, the police are less knowledgeable about this Highlander thing and are on the hunt for our hero, Stabby MacDecapitate, and we go in back in time to kilt-era Scotland to learn more about him.

Back to when he lived a simple life as Connor MacLeod, leader of clan Forehead (I mean, damn just look at it!)

Anyway, there's a battle or something and Connor takes a swift stab to the chest by this hulking man beast named Kruger and it looks like he's headed for the big haggis bar in the sky when...he's fine. Like most sensible medieval villagers they blame the devil and run his ass out of town! Meanwhile, in 1985, Connor becomes pals with a lady cop named Brenda (Roxanne Hart), who wants to turn Connor from main suspect to main squeeze (ok, that was fifty times less cheesy in my head). Back in ancient Scotland, it's a few years later and Connor is chilling in the middle of nowhere with his wife when Connery shows up looking like a big gay musketeer and somehow knows that Connor is a magical voodoo-dude. He introduces himself as, I shit you not, Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. WAHT. When Connor reasonably points out that Ramirez sure doesn't look Spanish, he explains that he's actually Egyptian.

Pictured above: An Egyptian.

Instead of decapitating Connor, Ramirez teaches him about being Immortal and quickening and all that crap, but faced with the question of "Well gee, Ramirez, why am I randomly an Immortal Highlander dude?" we get the bullshit answer of "Just cause. Dude, I dunno" I'm making my disapproval face right now. So Ramirez and Connor become buddies in the past while Brenda and Connor become bed-buddies in the present. Everything's coming up roses when suddenly that freaky behemoth who stabbed Connor comes back for more, both in the past and the present! Oh I forgot to mention before, he's played by Clancy Brown. So anyway-...waittaminute!

That Clancy Brown?! but...but...

O.o ...well, guess I can never watch Spongebob again.

So Kurgen, as his name is now for some reason instead of Kruger, kills the crap out of Ramirez, but not before getting a handy-dandy neck-hole (ewww!), and vows to kill Connor too, but doesn't. For some reason. Whatever. In the magical world of 1985, he hunts down Connor and explains that they are the last Immortals running around, so he's gonna kidnap Brenda and decapitate Connor, because this movie seriously needs to be over at this point. They have a big climatic fight on a roof, Connor beheads the shit out of Kurgen and then everyone involved in the movie took about thirty acid tabs and made the weirdest scene ever as Connor has some kind of "super quickening" which involves badly animated demon skeleton mabobbers and repeated shots of his eyeballs. Yeah. So now Connor is the only one and he and Brenda can live happily ever after. Except not, cause they made more.

This movie makes no damn sense, they make up arbitrary rules and don't bother to explain them, they say these Immortal dudes have to run around slicing each other's heads off but Ramirez picks Connor for some reason and becomes his Obi-wan. Also Kurgen hates Connor for no real reason either. No one is motivated by logic in this ridiculous freaking movie! And quickenings freak me the hell out! Still, the action is solid and it's really damn funny because it's really damn dated. One and a half catapults for being the WAHT of the movie world.

Unfortunately, despite whatever that broken-ass clock says at the bottom of the post, it's after 3am, I'm tired and I'm going to bed. You got two posts in one day and tomorrow we will finish our journey through WTF-land with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Yes, that's what they called it.

"You over-dressed haggis!" -Connor to Ramirez


  1. Highlander will always be timeless. Action filled feature on this double feature offer. Thanks for sharing.
    medieval swords

  2. Highlander II is even sillier, innit?

  3. highlander 2 is the apex of ridiculous, the very pinnacle of wtf-ery. i prefer it to the first one because it's just so much more fun :D

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. (Screwed up the link... try again)

    Sorry, but I just had to blog a rebuttal on this one. Thanks for the journey, though (and the inspiration) ;)


  6. hey, I am all about the inspiration! (even if it's inspiring you to tell me I'm full of crap lol)

  7. I never said you were full of crap (unless you want me to tell you that you're full of crap...)

  8. i was exaggerating for humorous purposes (and apparently failing)

    Take two: I <3 inspiring people, even if it's inspiring them to disagree with me :D


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