Monday, March 29, 2010

Warning: Girl Without Balance On Ice/ Sean Connery Movie Sunday

So today, I made the monumentally ridiculous decision to go ice skating. Well, to be fair, it wasn't really a conscious decision, more like "well, you can do your Statistics homework and be responsible...or you could come with us and go ice skating!" So I went ice skating with them. How was it? Like this:

Yep, exactly like this...ok, not really. It was actually more like this:

Only, ya know, with a bit less crotch...

It was a lot of fun, and everybody had a great time except for Akiva, who got tripped twice by the same eight year old girl and is probably scarred for life. Also now I can't move my legs...

In other news, the Harry Potter theme park is opening at Universal soon and I am soooo excited! They're going to have Hogsmeade with Ollivander's Wand Shop, The Three Broomsticks, The Owlery, the Hogwarts Express and Hogwarts spots such as The Room of Requirement, Dumbledore's office, and the Great Hall.

Dude, I am SO READY

Ok, on to the review! Today's movie, as I said on Friday, is Dragonheart, the story of the pimpest dragon that ever lived!

Damn right you will!

The movie is basically about the last dragon ever and his irritating human pal Bowen, played by Dennis Quaid with laryngitis, and his irritating sidekick Gilbert the Monk, played by Pete "Why am I always playing the annoying religious dude" Postlethwaite. Seriously, check his IMDB page, ninety percent of his roles are as Monk So-and-So and Father What's-His-Face. Anyway, they face off against the irritating evil king Einon, played David Thewlis as the most awkwardly effeminate villain since...I don't even know.

Cuz nothing says Evil Warlord quite like that hairdo

So, the story begins with Bowen training mini-Eoinin in the way of the good knights blahblahblah peasant uprising! The king is killed and Eoinin is mortally wounded! So his mother and Bowen do what any responsible adults would do and take him to see a dragon. Because that makes total sense. And they totally explain why. Except they don't. Anyway, Connery dragon gives Eonin a piece of his heart to live provided he doesn't grow up to be a sniveling fuck. (Spoiler, he does!) Bowen gets sad and even growlier and blames the dragon, vowing to kill all the dragons ever. We jump forward some years to find that Bowen has been hard at work murdering dragons for money and the hell of it and with the help (and I use that term loosely) of Brother Annoying, he finds the cave of (DUN DUN DUN) The Last Dragon!

Connery, as the dragon Draco (inspired naming right there) is the highlight of the movie, both as a character and technologically speaking. This movie was made in 1996 and was one of the first movies to have a completely CGI creation as a main character who interacted with the actors. By 14 years ago standards, Draco is revolutionary and by today's, he's still pretty decent. And he seriously LOOKS like Sean Connery:

"I prefer my humans shaken, not stirred"

So, Bowen and Draco fight for a bit and realize something important: If Bowen kills Draco, he's out of a job as a professional dragon hunter, and dead. Which would suck for him. So they agree to a deal where the scam the peasants, which works great until the peasants catch on and Bowen and Draco have to kidnap Kara, leader of the peasant resistance and generally superfluous female character. And then Draco sings to her. Seriously. I had to scour the damn internet for clips and only found ONE. And the embedding was disabled >.<...basically,go here, skip to 2:37 and be prepared to feel embarrassed for a giant CGI dragon.

After that bit of weirdness, Kara tries to convince Bowen stop being such a growly old bastard and help the resistance take down Einon, since he's such a shit and all. Bowen is all "codes are dumb, knights are stupid" and then Draco's all "erm, it was kinda my heart Einon has" and then battles happen because Kara gets kidnapped for no real reason. Also Einon and Draco feel when the other is in pain, which prompts some creepy questions about what else they jointly feel but the movie wisely bypasses that and the crux of it is that Bowen can't kill Einon without killing Draco in the process. What happens? EPICNESS! And also, despite the general cheesiness of the movie, a pretty sad ending that still makes me tear up a bit, though I partly blame the theme song:

(sniffle) um, there's just some dust in my eye...(cuddles dragon pillow)...yeah. Sadness dust. That.

So, overall, despite some incredibly cheesified acting from David Thewlis, Pete Postlethwaite and Sir Snarls-alot, Dragonheart is a cute, sweet movie that's great to watch as a kid and is all nice and nostalgic-y to come back to years later. Also, Sean Connery is a maternal-fornicating DRAGON. Not just any dragon either, the LAST DRAGON. EVER.

...Well, you know. Except that one.

Anyway, three catapults out of five for being a fun, if corny fantasy movie that makes you want a dragon. Dammit, two dragon movies in one week...I want one :( Eh, I'll get over it (I won't). See you tomorrow for Music Monday!

Young Einon: "The peasants are revolting!"
Brok: "They've always been revolting, Prince. But now they're rebelling."


  1. Good post and Smart Blog
    Thanks for your good information and i hope to subscribe and visit my blog STD Symptoms and more Nodule of Gonorrhea thanks again admin

  2. I have been browsing online more than 3 hours these days, yet I never discovered
    any attention-grabbing article like yours.
    It is pretty price enough for me. In my view, if all web owners and bloggers made good
    content material as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever

    my blog post -


Share the love! Or, alternatively, the hate. Whichever, I'm easy

These Are Also Nice

Related Posts with Thumbnails