Remember how I said I was going to be able to be way more on top of this whole blog thing while I was on Spring Break? Yeah...I'm a dirty liar. But what if I told you that I didn't have time to do one because I was awakened from slumber by the sweet symphony of the Indiana Jones theme (which is my ringtone) only to find out it was a call from the CIA! I heard the voice of "old disgruntled CIA agent" on the other end:
Just picture him looking like this dude (he did the voice of Goliath on Gargoyles!)
"SugaryCynic," he said, because apart from being my blog name it's also my secret agent name (it's very helpful when pimping my site to foreign baddies). Anyway, he said, "SugaryCynic, your country needs you!"
And I said, "Blurhwoghle" 'cause I'm not too coherent in the morning.
"This is no time for games!" he said in that "no-nonsense god dammit!" way that old tired dudes who work for the government tend to talk like. I rolled over and took my morning shot of vodka, replying,
"I told you I was out of the game."
"You never really leave the game, and this is something only you can do..." he stopped just long enough for there to be a dramatic pause and then finished, "Agent 007 has been kidnapped! Which is in no way relevant to the CIA at all since that's MI6 and whatnot, but for the purposes of the story, we need you to rescue him"
I could have told him that he had just demolished the fourth wall, but instead I sat up in an intensely dramatic manner and asked, "where?"
"We lost track of him in Marrakesh. Good luck agent Cynic."
So I went to Marrakesh...which I assume is in the Middle East somewhere...
Ah, thank you, Internet. (Now to figure out where Morocco is...)
So, yes, Marrakesh! It was there I fought a horde of ninjas for no discernible reason, armed with only a spork and my wits, so of course I won easily and followed 007's trail to Siberia, because that makes sense. It turns out he had discovered something about illegal weapons dealing and was on the brink of doing something awesome when he disappeared completely.
And then, at this point in Berlin cuz why the hell not, I found 007 locked in a cell and guarded by ginormious Ukrainian dudes! Fortunately I killed them all with my cell phone battery and it's razor sharp edge. But then, before you can say "when is the ridiculous plot twist going to happen?" Old CIA guy showed up! It turns out he was behind it all along!
"I was behind it all along!"
"But why kidnap 007 and also hire me to find him?"
"He's the weapons supplier!" cried 007 in a heavy Scottish accent that is not worth typing out.
"Yes!" he admitted, "it was me! 007 got too close. But I had to look legitimate for the CIA and so I hired you because how hard can it be to kill a girl topping out at 5'3"?"
Since I don't take too well to cracks about my height, I stabbed him with my handy spork and threw him off a balcony, prompting 007 to quip "why don't we just forgive and sporkget?" ...it was a rare miss.
And then we flew home on jetpacks.
Like this, but much more explosion-y.
THE END (roll credits)
Reality: I overslept, spent the whole day working on a revision of the Shakespeare paper that started this whole blog nonsense and also took the cat to the vet to get x-rays to make sure he hadn't swallowed something stupid and wrapped it around his kidneys. However, this version lacks the intrigue and globe-hopping of mine. So I'm just going to go with the whole secret agent thing and call it the truth. Oh hey, look at that, I did a post. Like MAGIC. Comic thing tomorrow, reallytrulyforsure!
Also, I found this, which only serves to illustrate why Sean Connery is not just my favorite actor, but also my role model:
"BOND legend Sir Sean Connery had a clause in his contract demanding bigger explosions in each film he appeared in.
The retired Scot is reportedly hooked on big bangs, and even managed to wangle one into his contract for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
His diva-like demand almost derailed the film according to Alan Moore, writer of the comic on which the film was based.
He said: “The film cost £100 million because Sean Connery wanted £17 million of that – and a bigger explosion that the one he’d had in his last film.
“It’s in his contract that he has to have a bigger explosion with every film he’s in.”
Despite box office success, the 2003 film was a critical flop and it proved to be Sir Sean’s final outing on film. Connery, 78, retired from acting shortly after to concentrate on writing his autobiography – much to the relief of filmmakers courting his big-name appeal.
Moore added: “In ‘The Rock’ he’d blown up an island, and he was demanding for our film that he blow up Venice or something like that.
“It would have been the moon in his next movie.”"
Oh hell yes Sean Connery please unretire and star in a film where you blow up the moon!