Friday, March 12, 2010

So I'm Afraid I've Been Thinking...

"A dangerous pastime,"

"I know!"'s this:

...Yeah, go ahead and judge me this time. >.<

So I'm going to the Renaissance fair on Sunday, and will probably be dressed as a steampunk pirate because I enjoy being anachronistic. (Though is it an anachronism when the era never actually existed in the first place?) Anyway, what came just in time to help me get in the steampunk pirate mood? A new album from Abney Park! Who is Abney Park? These guys! A kick-ass band that morphed from the drudgery of industrial Goth to the much less depressing world of steampunk

Their first steampunk-ish album was Lost Horizons and their newest, in which they push their sound much further, Aether Shanties, is pretty much the shit. It has fast and fun songs that make you ready to play pirate as well as a few mournful "last round of the night" drinking songs. After a few listens, this one's my favorite so far:

Is it incredibly geeky that I want to make some kind of steampunk musical using all their songs? Probably, but I don't care.

Anyways, I just started following this guy Kid In The Front Row, who runs a super cool movie blog of the same name and he did this perfect movie thing where you can recruit anyone you want, living or dead, to be in your dream movie. So of course I'm going to do it.


The basic premise: It would be a, as the kids say, "sprawling epic" steampunk adventure (are you surprised?) with airship pirates and scientists searching for obscure beasties that the bad guys want to use for their own generally evil devices with one ship and their ragtag crew at the heart of it. It would be visually awesome (no 3D though, it gives me eyestrain and is gimmicky and stupid) but the story would have to be good. I've seen so many fantasy movies that go all out visually and then half-ass the story and character development. Not on my perfect movie.

Written By
Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio

Gah, this one was hard. My two favorite writers, Woody Allen and Christopher Nolan, aren't exactly the type I need for my movie. So I decided on what their fans call "The Two T's" because they wrote Pirates of the Caribbean, Treasure Planet, the first Shrek, The Mask of Zorro and Aladdin. (They also wrote POTC 2and 3, Godzilla and National Treasure 2, but no one's perfect)

The Director
Guillermo Del Toro

On the other hand, this one was easy. Guillermo Del Toro, no contest. The Hellboy movies and Pan's Labyrinth are high up on my list of favorites. He also did the best of the Blade series (though I suppose that doesn't count for much). Basically, he has a unique visual style and a fantastic eye for detail. He is going to postpone The Hobbit and do my movie :)

Next would be Director of Photography, but I don't really know anything about that and I'm not going to pretend I do and look like an idiot, so we'll just skip this one (along with editor, another area I am woefully ignorant of) and assume it's being done by the best in the business.


Hans Zimmer and Thomas Newman

The Rock, Meet Joe Black, Pirates of the Caribbean, American Beauty, Batman Begins, A Series of Unfortunate Events, these are my two favorite composers ever: Hans Zimmer, master of the epic score, and Thomas Newman, king of the quiet, wrenching tracks. They will collaborate and create a score so awesome that it will make grown men WEEP.

Main Cast

Helena Bonham Carter

Who can be my airship pirate captain? She needs to be bad-ass and captainy and also ya know, be a good actor. Helena Bonham Carter is the only one who I think could do the job. Anyone else just doesn't feel right. Can someone go rescue her from Tim Burton's lair?

Christoph Waltz

He was just so much fun as the villain in Inglourious Basterds that I can't help but want him to be my bad guy. I mean, can you imagine him as a pirate captain? It'd be great. Not a retread of Hans Landa, but that same kind of cool as ice puppet master feel.

Josh Hutcherson

Josh Huctherson as our young hero, probably a cabin boy or somesuch. This kid has talent, he just needs to be put in the right movie (Mine). The acting and chemistry between him and AnneSophia Robb in Bridge To Terabithia was the best thing about the movie and I'd like to see the dynamic between them now that they're both basically post-pubescent.

AnneSophia Robb

Our young heroine! I basically just explained all this on Josh Hutcherson's, except I'd call her the superior actor to be honest. I'm curious to see what roles she'll choose now that she's getting older.

Supporting Roles

Simon Pegg

As first mate or maybe head engineer to Helena Bonham Carter's character. Simon Pegg is funny as hell and adorable and needs to be in more movies. I feel like he could be a funny character without being slapstick ridiculous comic relief.

Robert Downey Jr.

Am I hopping on the RDJ train? Possibly. But then, can you blame me? He's a hot commodity right now for a reason. I would cast him as Christoph Waltz's henchman, I think they would play off each other fantastically and also I really, really want to see him play a villain for once. (The Shaggy Dog doesn't count)

John Hurt

Am I typecasting? Yeah. Does John Hurt make an excellent old professor dude/everyone's favorite eccentric old grandpa? Also yes. John Hurt as an old steampunk scientist? Very much yes.

Jeremy Irons

Jeremy Irons has been the best thing about quite a few shitty fantasy movies: Eragon, Dungeons and Dragons, The Time Machine (actually, he was horrible in the Time Machine, there was nothing good about that film) it is high time for him to be in a decent one! He would be "that mysterious old guy" the one who's got a secret, is playing both sides and might end up a betrayer at the end. He's good at that, it gives him a lot of scenery to chew.

And there you have it! My perfect movie. Admittedly, I didn't really take advantage of the whole "dead people" thing, just mostly getting all my favorite people in one place. And I even restrained myself from unnecessarily adding Sean Connery! (It was hard). So yeah, it's not cinematic art by a long shot, but it would fun and exhilarating with a fast-paced (but not stupid) story, which is just what I go to the movies to see. Now someone get me millions of dollars and let's get this bad boy done!

1st Mate Niko Walsh: "You know what they say about changing tides, Captain"

Captain Valrey: "It doesn't matter what they say about the tides, Mr. Walsh. Our domain is the sky"

-Simon Pegg and Helena Bonham Carter in Dragonfly (it'd be the name of the ship, you see...oh nevermind...)

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