Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sean Connery Sunday: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Hey ladies and men who may or may not be of the gentle variety. How do you know it's Spring Break? Because, though I went to bed after 3, per the usual, I didn't wake up until after 1. :D At this point I may as well as grow a raccoon tail and call myself nocturnal

...On second thought, maybe not.

Also, you may have noticed my sexy-ass new banner/logo/thingy courtesy of my brother, who does designs or commissions or some such and can be found here:

Be his friend!

And now on to business! Sean Connery-related business (some say it's the best kind of business). Now despite how much I actually like Finding Forrester, I felt that I was unbiased in the fact that it's really not that good. And even though (despite the mentally-scarring sex scene) I am immensely entertained by the insanity of Entrapment, I admit that it's a shitty movie. However, I can't really separate myself from my bias when it comes to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I love all three films but this one is by far my favorite of the three. It has taken hits for being too light and slapstick in comparison to the earlier two films, and for some reason the character of Marcus Brody goes from being a competent, intelligent man in Raiders of the Lost Ark to a brain-damaged manchild in Last Crusade. I don't care, it's still the best of the three in my opinion.
Cuz, you know, they only made three movies. Yup, perfect trilogy...(I <3 denial)

Still, I will try not to gush too much as I review Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!

That is one seriously constipated looking Nazi in the bottom corner there

I first saw this movie at the age of thirteen, ages after seeing the first two, with my brother after watching the Italian Job (I only remember this because there were a couple of weird coincidences in movie content: daddy issues, boat chases through the Venice canal, and one really spoilery thing that I won't say cuz I'm not a jerk...even though if you haven't seen Last Crusade by now there's something wrong with you) Anyway, it's one of my favorite movies period, Sean Connery notwithstanding.

The movie begins with a magical flashback to mucnhkin Indy, played by River Phoenix, and we learn that Indy was an awesome adventurer even when he was in puberty. As he attempts to save the Cross of Coranado from grave robbers, we learn how Indy got his chin scar, his fear of snakes, his hat and his daddy issues. It's a fun opening that I think reveals just enough about our hero's past without making him lame. Young Indy is foiled by mysterious Panama-Hat dude who takes the Cross and Bam! We return to the present (or at least the 1938 version) and he is on a ship captured by Panama-Hat but he Indys his way to safety and the movie actually starts.

I'm irrelevant to the plot!

So Indy is sort of forced-invited to a party hosted by Walter Donovan (Julian Glover), who tells Indy that he's found a bunch of clues that may lead to the Holy Grail! Except that the guy in charge of the project is missing! Indy could care less until Donovan happens to mention that the missing guy is none other than Daddy Jones! (Connery, who is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford). And so with the help of adorable though brain-dead Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliot) and "femme-fatale guess how long before I sex you and then betray you" Dr. Schneider (Allison Doody), Indy jets off to Venice to rescue his father and find the Grail. There is a scene in the sewers not for the rat-phobic that also has a clever nod to Raiders, followed by a high-speed boat chase through Venice that features some truly awful blue screen. At some point, Indy and Dr. Schneider lose track of Brody but find Daddy Jones in a German castle, where Dr. Schneider reveals that...SHE SLEPT WITH DADDY JONES TOO!, I mean, that she and Donovan betrayed Indy. And also she sexed both father and son. Just saying. Ok, Brody escapes and ends up with Sallah somehow and the two bumble their way into Nazi hands.

Would you trust these two with your Holy Grail?

Indy and Daddy Jones attempt to escape on The Hindenburg but end up flying off on a plane chase against the Nazis and more terrible blue screen effects until this happens:

Moving right along, there is the greatest action scene ever to involve a tank that also pulls the classic "oh no, he's dead, oh wait he's standing right next to us" routine and finally our heroes make it to the final resting place of the Holy Grail, find the what is probably the most bored knight in the world, and the audience gets massively sucker-punched. I mean damn, it blew me, look it's a spoiler so just scroll past this paragraph now if you don't want to hear it. SCROLL DOWN NOW OR FACE SPOILER!!! Ok, so Donovan orders Indy at gunpoint to traverse the Grail booby traps. Indy refuses of course, stating that shooting him won't get Donovan squat, our baddie nods...and shoots Daddy Jones. The first time you see it, it's like "oh shit!" you just don't shoot the doddering old dude. You don't. But they did and it's a great moment as Indy flips his shit and realizes the Grail's the only thing that can save his dad.

Ok, it's safe to read again. Just don't look up. Indy must pass three pun-related, decapitate-y trials of God to reach the knight and the Grail. But there's a whole room of Grails! (OH NOES!) After Donovan chooses "poorly" and Indy chooses "wisely" he pours who-knows-how-old grail water on Daddy Jones and the cavern starts to collapse! They escape (sans Grail), father and son have bonded and we finally learn that Indy's really name is Henry! ZOMG! Except wait, we knew his dad was called Henry Jones and that he kept calling his son Junior the whole movie, so, if you couldn't figure that out, you're retarded.

I love this movie because it's so much fun no matter how many times you watch it. Harrison Ford and Sean Connery are very believable as father and son, with fantastic chemistry and everyone in the movie pulls their own weight acting-wise. The story is fantastical but not ridiculous, the action is great, the score is of course bitching (John Williams, durr) and I never get tired of it, which is how I mark a great movie. Also, it's Indy and he will never not be cool.


Either way, four and a half catapults out of five for being my almost-perfect action/adventure/comedy/Sean Connery-related movie.

That's all for now, (or is it?) and I will see you Monday for some music!

Indiana Jones: "It's disgraceful, you're old enough to be her... her grandfather."
Dr. Henry Jones: "Well, I'm as human as the next man."
Indiana Jones: "Dad, I WAS the next man."


  1. This is my favourite Indy film also. And the first film I ever watched at the cinema. I can't watch it anymore, though. I haven't watched an Indy film since that flying saucer took off.

  2. I find forced denial works best, like pretending they never made a sequel to the Matrix.


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