Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday/What Happens When You Don't Regularly Check Your Mail

Hey guys! Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat!! (The what is that I haven't checked my email in an egregiously long time) I was sifting through a kabillion facebook updates, feeling generally irresponsible when this happened:

Thanks for pimping us on your blog. Glad you have no (or only a little) shame in sharing with the world that you love our band. That "Super Mario's Sleigh Ride" track is probably the most popular thing we've ever done and it was 8 friggin' years ago! Whew.

We're coming out with our "Super Mario Kart Album" soon - almost the entire original "Super Mario Kart" soundtrack on SNES redone by the band. Gonna be a lot of fun. And since you're so cool, I'll let you in a little secret - it comes out April 20. So there ya go! NO ONE knows this yet - even in a guy in the band doesn't know!!! (he missed practice this week LOL)

Thanks again for the pimpage. And remember, if you want to show your friends, you can always hear both albums in their entirety on the Web at

My best,


The OneUps


I'm done. Well folks, you heard it here first, they have a new album that drops April 20th, and I will make it mine!!

In other news, I suck at paper writing, internship finding and just basically being a fully-functioning adult being. Thankfully, this does not impede on my ability to watch and review Sean Connery films. And so, forthwith (I love that word, it's so fun to say, I said as I typed it and felt happy inside. Go on, brighten your day and say forthwith) here is this week's Sean Connery movie:

Never Say Never Again!

I actually don't really have a joke, this is exactly what the movie is comprised of

So I had made a point not to do a Bond movie the first few Sundays because it seems like such a cop-out but this is my favorite Sean Connery Bond movie, (ironic because it's the non-canon one) so I hope that makes it better. Just to say it, the best Bond movie period, in my humble(cough) opinion is GoldenEye, the ever-sexiful Pierce Brosnan's first Bond movie. Not only did it have an on-the-toilet death, an evil double-o agent and a FUCKING TANK CHASE, it also had the terrifying villainess Xenia Onatopp, as played by Famke Janssen, who killed people with her thighs and gave dudes confused boners everywhere. But that is neither here or nor there. It's Connery time! (I'm so trademarking that)

Never Say Never Again came out in 1983 and (title-wise) worked as a joke because Sean Connery had famously said after doing Diamonds Are Forever that he was sick of James Bond and done with it, actually what he literally said was: "I have always hated that damn James Bond. I'd like to kill him." I can't really blame him, Diamonds Are Forever was a weird-ass Bond movie, with Connery as a chubby and irate Bond, a creepy assassin duo who were also a gay couple and Plenty O'Toole, the most awkward Bond girl name since Pussy Galore.

But never say never (cue canned audience laughter) because he found himself taking the torch back from Roger Moore for one more Aston Martin ride into the sunset. Never Say Never Again opens with another damn Bond fake-out where they "kill" him in the opening credits, this was already an old trick and it turns out to be (gasp) a training exercise that Bond fails miserably, prompting the new M to comment on the fact that Bond is old, kind of out of shape, and needs to stop swigging martinis and shagging ladies and focus on being a secret agent...apparently no one bothered to tell new M that that's pretty much all there is to being a secret agent.

Slap a drink in his hand and he's one step closer to saving the world. Job well done!

But new and improved priss-meister M will have none of it and sends Bond off to a health spa to get him back in fighting form. While there, Bond...sexes nurses and indulges in contraband booze. Way to go, M. But not all is well in health spa-land and Bond stumbles on an evil plot involving a pilot, nuclear weapons and his old pals from SPECTRE. This leads to a fairly awesome fight through the spa against a huge henchman dude that Bond eventually defeats by throwing his urine sample at think I'm kidding. Well get used to that feeling because that's nothing compared to what's coming up.

So Bond has stop SPECTRE's new golden boy Maximilian Largo (Klaus Maria Brandauer) from holding the world hostage via nuclear warheads. He does this by going to the Bahamas and meeting up with Domino Petachi (Kim Basinger), sister to the pilot Largo used to steal the warheads and later killed. Domino is completely oblvious of this fact and is actual Largo's girlfriend. In setting up their relationship we get some really boring scenes of Domino doing ballet whilst hyper-jealous Largo spies on her and her teacher. Meh. Then back to Bond and his MI6 liason - hey waittaminute! Is that Mr. Bean?!

It totally is. This was actually Rowan Atkinson's first movie. He already had his clueless look down pat.

Bond engages in a videogame duel Largo invented that shocks you painfully if you lose (not kidding), motorcycle chases and sex with lady-baddie Fatima Blush (Barbara Carrera) who he later kills with an exploding pen while she tries to get him to write a confession that she was the best sex he ever had before she kills him...still not kidding. In fact, because that scene was not ridiculous enough, it turns out Felix Leiter, Bond's CIA pal, was standing off in the shadows the ENTIRE TIME. When Bond asks the perfectly reasonable question of why did Felix not apprehend Fatima Blush, he dickishly replies that it looked like Bond had it handled. Yeah. So instead of taking her into custody and interrogating her, she's been pen-bombed. One thing cool about Felix in this movie though is that it's the first time he was portrayed by a black actor, which wouldn't happen again until Daniel Craig took on the name of Bond in 2006. (Yeah, when they have the black guy play Felix, they make him a dick. Nice going, movie).

Moving right along, Bond and Felix follow Largo to France and Bond sneaks on Largo's yacht where he does the cultured villain shtick and treats him like a guest before leading him to his DOOM. Also at this point Domino has totally fallen in love with Bond and realizes Largo is not the best boyfriend material, what with the taking the world hostage and murdering her brother dealie. Largo gets pissed and sells her to some Arab stereotypes but Bond saves her, finds Largo's hideout and has an incredibly crappy finale fight underwater. It's foggy and terrible and makes me sad inside. Anyway, typical Bond ending, blahblahblah, see above photo of Sean Connery and Kim Basinger in a lagoon.

So, it's a fun movie that in no way takes itself too seriously. Largo is surprisingly complex, his love for Domino making him a more human (read: irritating) villain. While Carrera is incredibly entertaining as Fatima Blush, Basinger is dead-in-the-water boring and I kept wondering why the hell Largo was so freakishly attached to her in the first place. Overall, it's a silly, fun ride that you ought to not think too much about. Three catapults out of five because the Connery proved that he still had the goods to be the Bond the world knew and loved.

See you tomorrow for whatever randomness may come and thanks to the OneUps for writing me and just generally being the coolest dudes.

I couldn't decide on my favorite quote from the movie so here's two:

M: "Too many free radicals. That's your problem."
James Bond: "Free radicals, sir?"
M: "Yes. They're toxins that destroy the body and the brain, caused by eating too much red meat and white bread and too many dry martinis!"
James Bond: "Then I shall cut out the white bread, sir."

Q: "Good to see you Mr. Bond. Things've been awfully dull 'round here. I hope we're going to see some gratuitous sex and violence in this one!"

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