Monday, March 8, 2010

BONUS UPDATE: SugaryCynic is obnoxious about the Oscars!

Boom! Surprised you, didn't I? That's right, even though ages ago I was all "the Oscars are dumb and stuff" I watched it anyway and made witty (read: smarmy) notes throughout to present to you so that may giggle and spout random bits of it to people and they will think you watched the Oscars. Basically, I am your smart-ass cliff notes to the longest award show in the history of ever.


Firstly, BEARDS! Holy hell, is it beard season or what? Between the mammoth man-hair on Antonio Banderas, Christoph Waltz, Jeff Bridges, that crazy-haired man behind Quentin Tarantino who looked like Doc Brown with a beard, and Christopher Plummer, it was pretty much Beardstock.

Moving on! Opening number featured Neil Patrick Harris, the most adorable man on the planet. Then Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin emerged from their crypts as the hosts to make some snarky remarks, glare at George Clooney and occasionally miss the mark and just come off as old and sad. (I take back what I said about Neil Patric Harris, George Clooney's handsomeness defies every law of nature). After banter that lasted roughly eight years, they started the nominees (with which I played "can I guess them all right like I did last year?"):

Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz. Well duh. He won for being the smuggest fuck in a movie of smug fucks and he deserved it so much. Also, his acceptance speech was so nervous, most awkwardly adorable agent of the SS ever! (guessed right)


Then they pimped The Blind Side and I felt uncomfortable, as I did every time I saw a preview for this thing. Why? College Humor pretty much says it for me:

Best Animated Feature: Up (also DUH). Although I loved the crap out of Up, from a technical standpoint I feel like Coraline was the superior film. Also I WANT TO SEE THE SECRET OF KELLS DAMMIT!! (guessed right)

Then Miley Cyrus presented Best Song and I threw up in my mouth a bit. Among the nominees were two from Princess and The Frog by Randy Newman, because the Oscars are pretty much the only place where he has any relevancy anymore. Thankfully, he didn't win, some world-weary song from Crazy Heart did. And it was sung by Colin Ferrell. Rwar. (guessed right). Also, when the song writer accepted his award he gave thanks to his wife who he "loves more than rainbows" ...yeah. I bet she loved that.

Next, a pimping for District 9, which I still need to see because the one thing Apartheid was missing was ALIENS!

Then ROBERT DOWNEY JR SHOWED UP. (I am not obsessed). He and Tina Fey presented Best Original Screenplay and I imagined how attractive their children would be. The winner was The Hurt Locker, which started racking up awards early. But seriously, Tarantino re-wrote World War II! How did he not win?! (guessed wrong)

After that Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick came onstage, looking so very aged, and did a tribute to John Hughes, who made the greatest movies about teenagers ever. EVER. So many famous people were tiny munchkins in his movies! A bunch more actors from his films honored him and showed scenes from Pretty in Pink, Ferris Beuller, The Breakfast Club, Home Alone, Planes Trains and Automobiles and a ton more. Also I felt sad that Ducky grew up to be the loser on Two and Half Men >.<

Then they announced the best animated short, which I knew nothing about so therefore did not guess on. Logorama, a film made entirely of logos, won. And then, in the spirit of lumping all the shorts together, they did best short Documentary and I guessed right at the last minute by picking the most depressing clip: Music By Prudence. The director was all excited but then in the best interruption since Kanye, the producer stormed the stage and stole his thunder, pissing the director off immensely and being completely oblivious of it.

Kanye best watch out for Elinor Burkett

The Live-Action short winner was The New Tenants, which I had also never heard of, but it has Vincent D'Onofrio in it and I love him so I will probably go check it out.

Next, to present the award for Best Make-up was this atrocity:

Holy sweet mother of God I will never sleep again...And neither will James Cameron, probably.

Ben Stiller was actually hilarious and deadpan, ending with: "After I announce the winner, I will try to stand as far away from them as possible so as not to demean their moment of triumph" Avatar wasn't even in the make-up category so go figure. The winner was Star Trek, because Spock Ears are a bitch to make apparently. (Guessed right)

Moving on, they pimped A Serious Man, which looks about as fun to watch as a kick in the face from an elephant. This was followed by Best Adapted Screenplay, which was Precious (I DURR once more, and guessed right. This shit is easy). Also the dude who accepted the award was panting, as was the person who accepted before him, like they had just trekked to the stage from two blocks away. Are they seating this people in the nosebleed section?

SugaryCynic defines irony: Queen Latifah is looking good as she has lost a lot of weight, and she presents the filler dead weight of Oscar night: the honorary Oscar.

Next, Robin Williams gave out Best Supporting Actress...because he's just so very relevant to that? Anyway, the winner was Mo'Nique in a predictable upset (hooray for oxymorons!) An upset because even though she gave a dramatic performance, she's primarily a comedian and comedians don't win Oscars, predictable because everyone knew it was coming. (guessed right). To be fair, she put in a powerhouse performance and earned that shit.

They pimped An Education, which looks very British and sexyfied. Except that I can only ever see Peter Sarsgaard as John Malkavitch's kid in The Man In The Iron Mask...

Just TRY to take him seriously now!

And then we had the Oscar for art direction and even though the art and sets in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus were freaking beautiful, I knew it the win would go to Avatar. (guessed right...but unhappy about it).

Then was costumes, which The Young Victoria won for because you can never have an Oscar ceremony without Queen Victoria or Elizabeth winning SOMETHING. (guessed right)

Then they pimped Precious and everyone in the audience popped some Zoloft. After that Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a hilarious Paranormal Activity sketch:

This was followed by a pretty cool salute to old Horror movies (presented by Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart, because...Twilight's a horror film?) Anyway, it was neat and reminded me how shitty current horror movies are.

THEN (the Oscars never end!!!) Zac Efron, looking like a cockatoo, helped present best sound editing, which was helpfully explained by Voice-over Morgan Freeman. The winner was The Hurt Locker, which also won for Best Sound Mixing. (Didn't guess because I did not care)

Next Inglourious Basterds was pimped. What WWII movie has David Bowie songs, that kid from the Office and poops all over reality as we know it? Why, Inglourious Basterds!

Then, cinematography, I actually thought Ingourious Basterds had a chance at this but again my better judgment won the day and...Avatar. wheeee...between James Cameron and his ex-wife Katheryn Bigelow, I am getting really annoyed.

Then they did the dead people reel, which James Taylor sung over. (I half expected him to sing all the deceased's names, Adam Sandler style) And also when the hell did Dom Deluise die?! :(

Then they finally get back to awards I actually care about: Best Score...I am such a nerd. I was genuinely torn between Sherlock Holmes, which is one of Hans Zimmer's best yet, and Up, which made grown men cry like little wussy girls. In the end, I figured Up would win, and it did. Also, for whatever reason, all the nominee's scores were danced to by an interpretive dance troupe. WTF? It was weird and unnecessary.

Then the stage was overcome with hotness when Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper presented for Best Visual Effects. Seriously? Why bother with a ceremony? Just give the award to James Cameron and be done with it! (yes, Avatar won...I was right again!)

The Best Documentaries were all intensely harrowing looking but the winner was The Cove, because dead dolphins beat dead ethnic children every time.

Keanu Reeves of all people pimped The Hurt Locker and he looked all old and stuff, which was weird.

Then they did Best Film Editing, which Hurt Locker walked away with. This "dark horse" movie is fast becoming my sure thing for getting on my nerves. Then they did Best Foreign Language film, where we acknowledge (begrudgingly) that we are not the only country that makes movies. The winner was The Secret In Their Eyes.

Then Kathy Bates pimped Avatar which seems even more random I kept picturing her as a Na'vi and dying a little on the inside. (consider yourselves lucky I couldn't find a picture).

Then came the parade of ass-kissery known as Best Actor, where Jeff Bridges won for Crazy Heart, but George Clooney won for handsomeness. After that was even more ass-frenching for Best Actress, which involved a supremely awkward speech from Sean Penn, who I believe may have been abusing some kind of illicit substance at the time. Sandra Bullock won for her portrayal of that redneck chick you'd prefer not to fuck with from The Blind Side.

AND THEN FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD they did Best Director and Best Picture...but first made a big stink over how for the first time a black dude and a vagina were in the running to win. The winner of both, in the ultimate "fuck you" to one's ex, was Katheryn Bigelow, with The Hurt Locker winning 6 out of the 9 awards it was nominated for. The only way she could have emasculated James Cameron more was if she waved her Oscar above her head and yelled "I'm queen of the world!!"

And there you have it! The Oscars, as told by someone with a limited attention span. Madly predictable, long as hell and full of was still better than last year's. See you Monday :D

Rather than a quote, here's a video of Christoph Waltz being adorable:

1 comment:

  1. Keanu probably pimped Hurt Locker because he worked with Bigelow on Point Break. Same for Kathy Bates and Cameron on Titanic. That picture of Ben Stiller is going to haunt my nightmares until my dying day.


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