Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wolfman! (and also theme days!)

So yeah, went to Wolfman today despite negative early reviews because I am unable to stand up to the combination of top hats, Victorian dress and violence. (side note: robot in full Victorian costume=best thing ever?) Also it had Anthony Hopkins and I enjoy Anthony Hopkins as a general rule except when he's eating people. (Is it weird that first and foremost in my head he's the narrator of the live-action Grinch movie? So when I watch Silence of the Lambs or Red Dragon or something I hear: "And then the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day...and then I ate it with a side of fries.)

ANYWHOO, which is scarier, a vampire or a werewolf? Discuss...Because vampires can be pretty BA (that would be bad-ass as opposed to Bachelor of Arts, though I could see Edward Cullen with one of those) but lately they just want to touch your face and talk about feelings rather than slurp your lifeblood. Except in DayBreakers, but that movie was pretty iffy and it even had Willem Dafoe with a crossbow. When you have something that awesome and your movie still fails, you're doing something terribly wrong. Maybe it would have been better if he was cross-dressing, ala Boondock Saints:

Vampire-hunting can be such a DRAG (zing!)

The point of this musing is not drag queens and vampires though, (dude that would be a fantastic gay porn title, Drag Queens and Vampires) but mostly about Werewolves, which I just think are scarier. Mostly because you can be a werewolf and HAVE NO IDEA. Sure you're occasionally waking up in weird places with blood all over clothes but this also holds true for most college students on the weekends. Also, a werewolf does n0t have the cognitive abilities to slow down, stop mutilating things, and fall in love with a tortured young high school girl, he is too busy ripping her throat out. (except in Twilight where that apparently is not a problem. You just get to run around with your shirt off a lot and be lusted after by grown women. I know, I know, he's finally no longer jailbait but everytime I see him I still think of Sharkboy:

Soak in that lovely pedo feeling ladies

Erhhm, yeah so werewolves, despite being fucking scary do not have much movie love after the forties boom of mummy, vampire and werewolf movies. I mean there's Teen Wolf, but I'm not sure if that counts because it's ridiculous, and then there was that movie where Jack Nicholson is a werewolf but really he's just Jack Nicholson only slightly hairier. Ah well, Wolfman's here to even the odds! (Sort of)

Wolfman Review:

It is moody and Gothic with a kick-ass soundtrack from Danny Elfman and Benicio Del Toro manages to look terrified and half-asleep at the same time and it is FRIGGIN SCARY...until they actually show the Wolfman. When he's creeping in the shadows and you can't really see what's going on and OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! And then we get up close and personal with our werewolves (spoiler, there is more than one oh noes!) and they look less like wolves and more like pissed orangutans with filed teeth. Go figure. Anthony Hopkins is the coolest and by and far the spookiest motherfucker in whole thing. (shudders) It's kinda campy and predictable but fun and gory and ultimately worth seeing I think. In a tabulating system I just invented, I give it two and half catapults out of five.

CATAPULT RATING SYSTEM:

Zero catapults: I would willingly chew my own limbs off to escape this movie
One catapult: Well, I suppose it's better than staring at a blank wall...
Two catapults: Fun
Three catapults: Extremely fun
Four catapults: Will view multiple times and giggle with joy each time
Five catapults: Absolutely wonderful and on par with a magical pony surprise party

Finally, I have decided to theme each day of the week (That's right I update every damn day....starting now) Behold!!

Music Monday: Strange and varied music from foreign lands, courtesy of mostly my brother the music shwashbuckler

Terrible Tuesday: My Tuesday's suck big hairy werewolf balls, I'm in class and at work from 10am to 10pm. So Tuesday=Bitch rant day :D

Writing Wednesday: Pretty self-explanatory, I will write things. (oh such things!)

Thank God it's Thursday Comics: Thursday signals the end of my week, for you it signals comics!

Friggin Random Friday: Whatever the hell I feel like

Silly picture Saturday: Also self-explanatory. Maybe it'll be puppies!! (it won't be)

Sean Connery Sunday: I review and pontificate on a Sean Connery movie, because why not?

And that's all for now (and it's quite a bit). Back to work (the specter of Big Willy Shakespeare follows me yet....)

"Look me in the eyes, Lawrence. Look me in the eyes and you can see I'm quite dead."
-Anthony Hopkins as Sir John Talbot in Wolfman

3 comments:

  1. you say that now. it's hard to keep to a daily blogging schedule.

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  2. i am as persistent as robert downey jr. is hot! (wheee, finally using those SAT style analogies!) I think I can keep it up for at least a month until I cave into crippling sadness and no updates at the fact that no one reads this thing

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  3. hmm, on one hand I envision vampires as being a part of an organization of syndicate that will just kill you (the victim) in the middle of the night, with no hope of survival. All you get is a perhaps a glimpse, and then BAM! you're standing with intense pain as a vampire is sucking the blood, your life! right out of you. And you sit there helplessly.

    And I see a werewolf attack as being something that happens to you in the woods, like a bear attack. You hear something, and then BAM, your camp is destroyed and your friends being torn from to limb to limb before the werewolf turns towards you. However I feel like after killing your friends, you have a pretty good chance of surviving with just a bite. but then the terror sets in as you soon realize that you cannot really have too many friends anymore for fear of tearing them asunder in the middle of the night.

    However, what if you survived the vampire attack (or perhaps were chosen for your sheer awesomeness) then you would have to choose between having a conscience and then either going mad or killing yourself because you can't bear to kill your fellow man (I'm assuming you need human blood, you can't just kill animals) or you abandon humanity altogether and hopefully become a part of that aforementioned vampire syndicate.

    Finally, I feel like a werewolf if not in a pack could be killed by some heavy weapons, although as long as you (the werewolf) stay in the woods or outside of any major cities you should be fine. Whereas I don't see vampires being killed. You're in a syndicate, you have exceptional abilities, and you're conscious. Not to mention you probably will stay in cities, where there probably wont be many werewolves (assuming that werewolves don't work together, only transform in the moon light, and stay away from cities for fear of accidentally transforming, going on a killing spree and then getting gunned down by a swat team)

    So, Which is scarier, being attacked by a werewolf and surviving seems a lot more tramatic. life as one just doesn't seem as great as being a vampire (provided you forsake your conscience and that there aren't rivaling clans of vampires, but then again, what if there are, badass!)

    Ok, so werewolf = scarier.
    Vampire = Badass! (provided that they work in syndicates and that you get to join one and have badass powers like speed or strength or even just awesome martial arts)

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