Hello people of Earth and also Canada, I just got back from seeing Cop Out (movie theaters are pretty much where all my job money goes) and despite generally negative press, I loved the hell out of it. Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan are damn funny together and play off each other well but Sean William Scott steals the movie as a parkour-ing criminal. Seriously, Sean William frickin Scott who I normally find more irritating than a mouthful of wasps, runs away with the movie. Also, the supporting cast is great too, Kevin Pollak and the incredibly cute Adam Brody (from the OC, not the guy with the nose) are both very funny as "the other" cop team. Only Jason Lee is criminally underused as the evil step-dad as a rival for Bruce Willis. He's in the movie for like, five minutes. Anyway, it stalls in some parts and Tracey Morgan does a poop joke that just goes on way too long but overall I was laughing pretty consistently and that's what I came to do. Three catapults out of five.
Ok, now on to the actual review of the day. Entrapment, the story of an old thief, a young thief, and the intensely awkward love that binds them together.
It is not, unfortunately, about Sean Connery shrinking down Catherine Zeta Jones in an experiment gone terribly wrong
I first saw this movie on Starz or Showtime or somesuch. It was halfway over but I figured I could catch up and get some Sean Connery related goodness. Except not, because I could not understand what the balls was going on. Was this person a good guy? Wait, he was just talking to that guy, is he undercover? Is she a cop or pretending? What the hell is Ving Rhames doing?! (ok that one's easy, it's what Ving Rhames is ALWAYS doing: being awesome) Well, I mused to myself, this must be a high-caliber thriller full of twists and turns! I should watch it from the beginning to fully understand this complex plot. So I did, and as you can probably guess,
I DID NOT UNDERSTAND A GODDAMN THING
Not because it was a twisty thriller but because the writing is terrible. It stars Catherine Zeta Jones as Gin, an insurance agent who gets to act like a secret agent trying to figure out who's stealing all these expensive-ass paintings. She does all this detective work that makes me highly doubtful that actual insurance agents get to have that much fun or are ever even that sexy:
All in an insurance agent's day's work (insert a bow-chicka-bowow here)
Anyway, this Rembrandt painting is stolen and Gin suspects famous crusty old art thief Mac (that would be Sir Connery), who is somehow both super famous but also a highly professional never-seen ghost-thief. Go figure. Gin goes undercover as a thief to entrap Mac into stealing art and getting him caught. Because this is what insurance agents do, right? What follows are about eight million scenes of Gin having to prove herself as a thief and learning from Mac, all to the tune of DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION. This is where it gets fun. Now I realize Hollywood is in the habit of pairing up younger ladies with older dudes but let's glance at the numbers, shall we? At the time of filming, Zeta-Jones was thirty, Connery was sixty-nine. (nine year old kid moment) And they do it. Ewwww....I mean it does make Sean Connery that much more of a pimp but just yuck.
Ok, I'm over it. (Not really, but we're continuing anyway). Mac figures out that Gin's with the popo and she convinces him that insurance agent is just a cover for her thievery at the same time as telling her boss that she totally has this entrapment thing in the bag. She convinces Mac to do "one last job" in Malaysia of all places that hinges on Y2K, a plot device that obviously does not stand the test of time....and then they have sex and I have to leave the room and jab a spork in my eyeballs. Anyway, I don't know how the heist works, I don't care and while all this is going on the cop's may or may not be on to everything, Gin may or may not be a real thief, I still don't know why Ving Rhames is even in this movie as he constantly switches sides between Mac and the fuzz and of course the heist goes wrong and of course Gin and Mac get split up and of course he tells her where to meet up with him claiming "if I'm late, I'm dead" so OF COURSE he's late and Gin freaks out only to discover that the insurance folks knew she was a dirty liar and Mac was helping them entrap HER. Except no! This was all a ruse and Gin and Mac do some improbable train boarding tricks and ride off into the sunset in love for no real reason. (deep exhale).
Whereas Finding Forrester is at least fun and (ugh) heart-warming, this movie is bad. Admittedly it is often it is funny-bad but mostly just bad. The plot is stupid and makes no sense, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery have all the chemistry of a dead moose, which changes their romance from improbable to plain old icky. For guys, the scene where Mac trains Gin to dodge alarm lasers by making her contort herself through lines of yarn is quite sexy, but ladies, unless you like your guys old, Scottish and kinda pervy than you got nothing. One and half catapults out of five. Because it is still better than a bludgeoning to the head.
And that's me done. I promise next week I will review a good Sean Connery movie (they're out there, I promise!). Tomorrow's music monday will be movie score composers, which I look forward to with an unnatural amount of girlish glee. See you then!
Gin: "Look what you've done to that beautiful car!"
Mac: "Thank God it's not mine.